Commander Up: the demon barber of Fleet Street
by adventure time idiota1
Summary: When Up returns to his home, he is devastated to find his wife dead and daughter in the hands of the cruel Judge Pincer who sent him away. But with the help of Tess, the pie lady, he will get his revenge. Based off tim burton. Tup, spayonder, buguary and magatoot
1. Chapter 1

**You heard right! Sweeny Todd parody. I'm not putting this in crossovers because I don't think people check those. I changed a few songs and who sings them but not all. **

**Ages: Taz and Specs are 18, bugs 25, february is 20, Krayonder is 23, Ups 35, Megagirl is 28, Tootsies and buggette are 33. Pincers 50, Juniors 35. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the kitchen sink**

* * *

part one

Dark almost black waves crashed against the sides of a large boat as midnight drew near.

In the distance, a dark line was coming closer and closer. On the deck a solitary figure gripped the railing. The starry eyed sailor looked in wonder at the approaching harbor. Leaning over the rail slightly, the boy began to sing (A/N yes I'm going there)

_I have sailed the the world and seen its wonders._

_from Bengal._

_To the mountains of Peru._

_But there's no place like London!_

"No there no place like London."

The sailor spun around to see a large man with short grey hair and a red scar running down his face. "Mr. Up? Are you alright?" Asked the sailor.

"Yes Joseph. Better than I've felt in a long time." said Up grimly. "You can call me Bug, all my friends do." Said Bug slightly more cheerfully. Turning back to the city scape. "It's beautiful isn't it, I always wanted to go to London." Up Simply turned away.

_You are young. Life's been kind to you._

_you will learn._

Up turned back again and marched back to the rail with anger flashing in his eyes.

_there's a hole in the world like a great black pit_

_and the vermin of the word inhabit it_

_Where morals aren't worth what a pig could spit_

_and it goes by the name of London _

_Up above lives a privileged few_

_who mocks the vermin in the lower zoo_

_they turn beauty into filth and greed_

_I to _

_have sailed the world and seen its wonders_

_for the cruelty of men_

_is as wondrous as Peru_

_But there's no place like London _

_no place like London _

As they were singing, the boat had docked in the harbor. The pair walked off the gangplank together and onto the wet stones of London. Bug looked about the marina in amazement, but then he noticed Up looking wistfully down the street.

"are you sure your alright ?" He asked.

"Oh oh yes. I'm fine Joseph. It's just, memories. Ghosts."

"ghosts? What do you mean."

Up sighed and gave Bug a haunting look.

_there was a barber and his wife._

Began Up, his eyes far away.

_And she was beautiful._

_a foolish barber and his wife._

_She was his reason and his life. _

_And she was beautiful. _

_And she was virtuous._

_And he was_

_Naive._

Up smiled. the picture of his wife swam into his head, her dark hair and green dress. The way she would hold their baby girl. Suddenly, Up got angry. Very angry.

_There was another man who saw _

_that she was beautiful. _

_A pious vulture of the law _

_Who with a gesture of his claw_

_removed the barber from his plate!_

_and there was nothing but to wait._

_and she would fall._

_So soft! _

_So young!_

_so lost_

_and oh so beautiful!_

Up gasped and pressed his hand to the scar. Images of the day he got it ten years ago. The day of his arrest. His wife was pulled father and farther away.

"mr Up? What happened? Did the woman succumb?"

_that was many years ago. _

_I doubt that anyone would know._

The large man turned back to Bug. "Thank you for passage. if your ship didn't find me, I'd still be lost at sea"

Bug gave him a smile. "Where can I find you?" He asked.

"in my barber shop on Fleet Street"

* * *

_There's a hole in the world like a great black pit_

_and it's full of people who are filled with shit_

_and the vermin of the world inhabit it._

Up marched through the streets. After all these years he still new every twist and turn of the wretched streets. The stones were damp and slippery from the storm the previous night. The misty soup of smog that clouded the night sky gave signs that it would storm again. Rats ran about the feces that clogged the drains.

It all was so different from the sunny memory's that swam in his head.

the only people outside were a young couple holding a baby on a park bench. More images of his wife and child flashed through his head. "You will see them soon. You will see them soon." He chanted to himself in an attempt to drive away the hate in his heart.

"Do we know that man over there?" Whispered the woman to her husband, her white blonde hair brushing his nose.

"I don't think so Meg. I never forget stuff. Oooo what that!" The heavily accented man pointed excitedly at a freckle on his arm.

* * *

Ahead, a familiar apartment came into view. despite the cracked windows and broken shingles it was still his old home. Same staircase outside, same awning, same sign that said **Tess**** Lopezes meat pie emporium. **

wait what?

In the back of his head, Up remembered the Spaniards that moved downstairs the year before his arrest. A sickly young woman, a drunk, and their seven year old daughter. A little girl named Tess.

Up entered the dark shop. At the counter, a pale young woman with dark hair piled in pigtails and a raggedy black corset chopped dough with a scowl on her almost angelic face. Hearing the door close, she twirled around the knife and stuck it in the table with a gasp. She bustled to Up.

"A customer!"

_Wait! what's your rush what's your hurry!_

_you gave me such a *gasp* fright_

_I thought you was a ghost _

_half a minute can't you sit?_

_Sit ya dahm _

_sit!_

with amazing strength Tess ushered Up to a seat and shoved him down. She hurried back behind the counter.

_Ill admit that I haven't seen a customer for weeks_

_have you come in for a pie sir?_

_please forgive me if me 'eads a little vague._

_ugh what is that? *squash*_

_you would think we ad the plague_

_way people *squash* keep avoidin *squash*_

_no you don't!_

Tess pulled her knife out and pointed it at Up when she saw him squirm. Rolling her eyes, she picked up a pie and brushed off some dust. Up didnt feel so good.

_Heaven knows I try sir._

_but no one cones in even to inhale_

_here you are, would you like a drop of ale?_

sadness suddenly flashed in the young woman's eyes as she started to make a pie.

_god knows I can hardly blame them!_

_these are probably _

_the worst pies in London _

_the worst pies in London _

_and I know why_

_they won't take em!_

_I should know_

_I make em!_

_but good?_

_no!_

_the worst pies in London _

_even that's polite!_

_the worst pies in London _

_if you doubt it take a bite!_

_isnt that just_

_disgusting_

_you have to_

_concede it!_

_its nothing _

_but crusting!_

_here drink this_

_youll need it._

gloppy chunks of random smelling slop squished through Ups mouth. He could barely swallow it! Looking down, a beetle crawled out of the bite mark in his pie. A tired looking Tess placed a mug on his table. The sadness in her eyes turned to anger as she ran behind the counter, grabbed a rolling pin and started smacking dough

_But no wonder with the price of meat what it is! *smack*_

_when ya get it! *smack smack*_

_never *smack* thought I'd *smack*live to see the day! *smack smack*_

_you would think it was a treat! *smack*_

_finding poor *smack* animals *smack*_

_what are dying in the street!_

_mrs moony has pie shop! *smack smack*_

_does her business but I've noticed something weird *smack smack*_

_lately all her neighbors cats have disappeared *smack smack*_

_what I call *smack* enterprise! *smack!*_

_poppin pussys into pies! *smack*_

_wouldnt do in MY shop! *smack smack*_

_the very thought of its enough to make you sick! _

_And I tell you them pussy cats is quick..._

_no denying times is hard sir!_

_even harder than_

_the worst pies in London_

_only lard and nothing more!_

_isnt that just_

_revolting!_

_all greasy and gritty!_

_it looks like_

_its molting!_

_and tastes like!_

_well... Pity_

_a woman alone_

_with limited wind._

_and the worst pies in London!_

_oh sir._

_times is hard._

_times is HARD!_

_*squash*_

Tess sighed and leaned her head in her hand. Up was still gagging on the pie.

"Gonna take a lot more than that to get that taste out if your mouth ese." She said in a thick Spanish accent. "I'll get ya some whiskey from upstairs." Tess got out from the counter and went to the staircase. Up jumped out of his seat.

"I'll go with you!"

"what?"

Tess spun around, grabbed her knife and held it in front of her defensively. Up held up his hands and smirked."not like that I promise." Tess raised an eyebrow and lowered her knife slightly. "I just want to get some information."

choclate eyes scanned over Up. With a clap, Tess Twirled her knife around her fingers and it disappeared in the torn folds of her black skirt.

"Vamanos ese. Ill show jou around."

Up got up and followed Tess up the stairwell. The stairs opened up to a dusty dark sitting room. Up sat on the couch while Tess dug around for a bottle.

"Here ya are ese."

She slapped a mug into Ups hand and sat down in a arm chair across from him. Up noted that she didn't sit obediantly at his feet like a normal woman.

"I see that there is another apartment upstairs. Does anyone live there?" Asked Up

"no. There was a woman with a daughter a few years older than me but they're long gone. No one would take the room. Say it's haunted."

Up raised an eyebrow. His wife and daughter weren't here. "why?"

"well something 'appended up there. Something not very nice."

"what happened?" Asked Up, slightly nervouse

A flash came from Tesses eyes and she looked away, fidgeting. After a few seconds she turned back and started to sing softly

_there was a barber and his wife_

_and he was beautiful._

_A proper artist with a knife._

_but they transported him for life _

_and he was beautiful._

Tess had a strange expression on her face, as if at war. Up sputtered ever so slightly.

"What was his crime?" He asked

"foolishness" said Tess, turning to him slowly. "Walker his name was. Joseph Walker"

Up put a hand to his scar. He, his wife, and his ten year old daughter holding hands while strolling through the market, when the beadle, a arrogant son of a baron, came at him with a group of police. With his cane, Beadle Junior cut a slice into Ups cheek. Next thing he new, he was before a judge, then a ship heading for a camp in Australia. Suddenly Up was shaken out of his trance by the bitterness that consumed Tess.

_He had this wife you see_

_pretty little thing_

_silly little nit _

_had her chance for the moon on a string_

_poor thing_

_poor thing_

_there was this judge ya see_

_wanted her like mad_

_everyday he'd send her a flower_

_but would she come down from her tower?_

_stayed up there and sobbed by the hour._

_poor fool_

_poor thing._

_but there was worse yet to come poor thing_

_the beadle calls on her all polite_

_poor thing!_

_poor thing!_

_the judge he tells her is all contrite_

_he blames himself for her dreadful plight_

_she must come straight to his house tonight!_

_poor thing!_

_poor thing! _

_Of course when she goes ther poor dear poor thing_

_theyre having this ball all in masks_

_theres no one she knows there poor dear poor thing _

_she wanders tormented and drinks poor thing!_

_the judge has repented she thinks poor thing!_

_oh where is judge Pincer she asks._

_he was ther alright! Only not so contrite!_

_she wasn't no match for such craft you see_

_the guest they all thought it so droll_

_they thought that she must have been daft you see_

_they gathered around and they laughed you see_

_poor thing!_

_poor thing! _

_Poor thing!_

"NO!"

Up jumped to his feet seething with rage. Tess fell out of her chair in surprise and ducked under her hands, her skirt fanning out. She carefully lifted her head and caught Ups eyes. She inhaled sharply

"Tu eres senior Joseph Walker." She murmured in Spanish.

"What happened to my Annette?" Asked a furious and frantic Up.

Tesses face was blank. "She... Poisoned herself. Arsenic. From the apothecary 'round the corner."

Feeling dizzy, Up fell backwards into the couch. Tess wore a small smirk. "Ya know what else ese?" She asked almost playfully. "Judge Pincers got ya daughter." Up felt his works get smaller and smaller. "Adopted her like his own."

Up rolled his head back. "I've spent ten years sweating in a hot hell, dreaming I'd return to a wife and child."

"well I can't say the years have been kind to jou señor Walker" said Tess, getting up and sitting beside Up.

"No. Joe Walker dies. I'm Up. And he is... Wifeless, childless and alone." Up put his head in his hands. Tess was shocked! this man she remembered was the man she looked up to, the man she would watch flick knives with ease for hours in her hiding spot... The man who punched her father when he was on his mood swings, crying.

"No."

Up looked up. Tess had stood.

"No! Up, Joseph, whoever de hell you are, you are not the man I remember, and your not a man any better! Do you remember, when mi padre tried to smash me open and eat my guts? You destroyed dat cabarón. Dat was tough! That day jou told me that no matter how hard jou get knocked down, Jou just have to get back up! Now it's your turn! Get back up!"

Up met Tesses gaze. She held both his arms and hunched over him. Tess gave a small smile at the sight of his crystal eyes.

"c'mon, I want to show jou something"

* * *

Standing in his old apartment felt strange, like he expected it to be, unnatural or haunting, but somehow Up felt at home with unnatural and haunting. Up cautiously approached a dusty bed. Tucked inside was a little blonde doll. The stuffing was coming out of a rip in its neck. For some reason it made Up slightly less sad.

"I hid them when they came for your daughter."

Up had nearly forgotten about Tess. She kneeled down on the floor and motion Up to come closer. Up kneeled in front of her. Tess pulled up a loose floor board. Inside the floor was a box. Brushing dust off the box, she lifted out out and opened it.

Ups eyes widened.

inside were twelve razors

slowly he lifted one out and studied it while Tess stared in wonder.

"señor Up?"

Up didn't answer

"Up?"

The glint of the silver handle reflected in Ups eyes. "Up?" Asked Tess again quieter as she was entranced by the shine

_these blades are my friends._

Began Up in a voice shaky from disuse.

_See how they glisten_

_see this one shine _

_how he smiles in the light_

_my friends! _

_My faithful friends!_

Steadily, Up stood and turned, holding the razor so the light of street lamps coming through the window hit the blade perfectly. Tess stared in wonder from her spot on the floor as Up sang to his blade like it was a loved one. Tess felt a weird feeling as he sang.

_speak to me friends_

_whisper!_

_ill listen_

_I know. I know_

_You've been locked out of sight all these years!_

_like me!_

_my friends! _

_But I've come home!_

_to find you waiting!_

_and we'll do wonders _

_wont we?_

_ You there my friend_

Tess stood and slowly stepped towards Up almost in a daze, her hand extended to him.

_I'm your friend too señor Up_

_If you only knew señor Up_

_ooh señor Up_

_your warm in my hand_

Tess buried her head in Ups shoulder, drinking in the scent of her role model.

_You've come home!_

_ive always had a fondness for you I did._

Up turned away and went back to his spot on the floor, holding the blade to the rising sun. Tess stepped closer and closer as she sang.

_Never you fear Señor Up_

_you can move in here señor Up_

_splendors you've never have dreamed all your days_

_will be yours!_

Kneeling down behind Up, Tess put her head carefully next to his, watching their reflections in the open blade. For some reason the sound of their voices together gave her chills.

_My lucky friends! (I'm your friends!)_

_see how they shine ( don't they shine beautiful!)_

_but merely silver (silvers good enough for me)_

_(Señor Up)_

_youll drip rubies._

_soon you'll drip precious _

_Rubies._

Up stroked the razor lovingly, then he noticed Tess in the reflection. He turned his head so that their noses touched.

"leave me"

once the door closed, Up straightened and extended his arm, the blade glinting at the end.

"at last! My arm is complete again!"


	2. Chapter 2

**What up! Ok so in case you were wondering, Tess is Taz, Annette is Buggette, Specs is Julia and the couple on the bench is Megagirl and Tootsie. The rest is hopefully self explanatory. Oh and the mosquito brothers are... well Mosquito in a Italian accent**

* * *

Bug walked around the streets with a air of euphoria around him. He was finally in London! Everything he always wanted! Bug practically danced about the cobble stones until he was so tired he collapsed on a bench. Bug laid his pack down next to him to catch his breath. It suddenly hit him that he had no plans. Other than the ship yard and the tavern he was staying at, he didn't have any goals other than getting to London. And he was IN London. Wearily he looked up and his breath hitched. In the window across the street was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She had short blonde hair and a thin smile. She gazed lovingly at the caged birds next to her pretty little head.

He gazed in wonder at her big eyes, which were suddenly filled with inspiration at the sight of her birds. The woman turned slightly to the window with a large smile on her face. She opened her mouth as if going to sing a beautiful symphony.

**"HEY! SOMEONE HELP! THE JUDGE GUY LOCKED THE DOOR AND I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!" **

Panicked, Bug frantically searched up and down the street for someone to do something. No one had even looked up at the woman's calls.

_Alms alms_

_for a miserable woman!_

_on a __miserable chilly morning._

A old hag in a tattered green dress and a filthy bonnet with black hair sticking out its holes scrambled down the sidewalk clutching a tin cup. Bug quickly pulled out a coin and dropped it in the cup.

"Oh thank you sir!" said the hag in a gravely voice. "Madame, can you tell me about the young lady who lives in that house?" Asked Bug, pointing to the mansion across the street.

"Thats February. Judge Pincer keeps her right snug he does!" said the hag, starting to twitch uncontrollably. "Hey, your kinda cute. you wanna come back to my nesst and I could tear off your head and let my larvae devour your body?

Well that was disconcerting.

"Get off!" Bug pushed the woman away. She hissed and started down the road bleating mournfully.

_Alms alms!_

_For a desperate woman!_

As she walked off Bug looked back up at february with a sudden happiness that he had never felt before. How could it be that this beauty that he had never exchanged words with captured his heart so quickly. Slowly he stood and smiled at her. Bug was delighted to see her smile back

_I feel you, February,_  
_I feel you._  
_I was half convinced I'd waken,_  
_Satisfied enough to dream you._  
_Happily I was mistaken,_  
_February._  
_I'll steal you, February,_  
_I'll steal you_

Suddenly, the door to the mansion opened. In the doorway was a older man with dusty brown hair. He smiled at Bug and beckoned for him to come inside. awkwardly Bug looked around for anyone else he could be referring to. The man nodded at him and motioned him inside again. Bug grabbed his pack and hurried inside.

The inside of the mansion was quite fancy. Multiple wonder were commemorated behind glass. And not just pictures. Taxidermy animals and pinned up bugs lined the walls. The man brought Bug into a large cavelike sitting room.

"Please have a seat.''

Bug sat in cushy brown seat. "Would you like a cup of tea?" Asked the man. "I'm Judge Pincer."

Bug choked on the tea he didn't get yet. "Your the Judge?"

"It is my home, as I assume you are aware off. You also appear to be aware of... other things" The kind Voice of the Judge was suddenly quite sinister. Bug was starting get to get uncomfortable. He looked back at the exit and was horrified to see a man with a cane and pink rimmed spectacles blocking the door. He turned back to the stern Judge.

"There must be some mistake."

"No mistake. You were, gawking at my February."

"No I would never..."

Judge Pincer grabbed Bug up by the neck. "What is your name sir?" He asked in a menacingly calm voice. "BBBBug." Stammered Bug. "Well Bug. If I ever see you on this street again you WILL regret it." Pincer forced Bug back into his chair

"Junior?" said the Judge. The man at the door took a step forward.

"Kick it up a notch"

* * *

"AAAAAAAAhhhhhh"

Bug sailed through the doorway and landed hard on the stoop. His pack suffered a similar fate. except it landed on Bugs back not the stoop. Beadle Junior strode back out. He kicked the pack off of Bug and stooped down, grabbing up Bugs hair.

"So, your called Bug huh? Like a spider.'' Junior bashed Bugs head into the stone. Junior pulled Bug up again, pressing his knee even harder into Bugs back. "My names Junior. Maybe you've heard of me?" He whispered in Bugs ear. Bug choked on the blood coming out of his nose. "Bluckchakk. Why wwould ii know you?"

"Cause Im the rain." Junior released Bugs head and stood up. He raised his cane over his head. "Time to wash the spider out!"

The cane was brought down on Bugs back again and again. Bug gave a gasp of pain and started coughing up blood. Junior kicked Bug over and pressed his cane to Bugs head.

"Next time ill use your pretty little brains to repaint my walls." Junior gave hime one last kick before returning to the house and slamming the door. Bug groaned and stood. He felt pain all over. Tentatively he picked up his pack, wincing at its weight. He hurried away from the place. By chance, he looked up at Februarys window. she stared down at him sadly. She gave him a small smile. Seeing her behind the barred window made Bugs heart break. A sudden sense of purpose then filled him. A madness was setting in slightly as Bug returned the smile

_I'll steal you, February,  
I'll steal you.  
Do they think that walls could hide you?  
Even now, I'm at your window.  
I am in the dark beside you,  
Buried sweetly in your yellow hair!  
I feel you, February,  
And one day I'll steal you!  
Til I'm with you then,  
I'm with you there,  
Sweetly buried in your yellow hair_

* * *

Tess held tightly to Up as she guided him along the streets. Resting her head on his shoulder, she felt his muscles spasm with anticipation.

"Dat cabron Hunier is always snaking around here this time of day.'' assured Tess. suddenly Up tensed. Amidst the crowd was Beadle Junior. Tess brought her hand to the Razor attached to Ups belt. Up immediately took her wrist in a vice like grip.

"Not yet" He whispered in her ear.

The sound of drums rang out in the air. The couple turned to a stage set at the middle of the square.

"Yay the shows about ta start!" said a heavily accented man behind them, standing with his wife and child. A young man in a backwards cap emerged from the curtains with a drum. He banged around in a circle for a second before taking a seat by a bunch of instruments. A small girl about the same age as Tess and not much bigger scrambled out of the curtain. She had a tattered green dress that only reach down to her ankles, large glasses and white blonde hair tucked into a old mans cap. She shifted slightly as the man started on the instruments before starting to sing

_Ladies and gentlemen_

_May I have your attention __puh-lease!_

_do you wake up each morning in shame and despair_

_to find that your pillow is covered with hair_

_That ought not to be there_

_Ladies and gentlemen_

_now you can awaken at ease!_

_you'll never again have a worry or care_

_cause I have a miracle marvelous rare!_

_gentlemen your about to see something that rose from the dead!_

_On the top of my head!_

The girl pulled off her cap and her hair fell down to her ankles. The crowd hooted and hollered along with a "Yeeha!" from the man behind him and a cry from his child. The girl onstage was quickly pulling hair out of her glasses when the musician through one of his drumsticks at her. she cried out and started singing again.

_T'was __Mosquitoes miracle elixer_

_its what did the trick sir_

_true sir true._

_was it quick sir?_

_Did it in a tick sir_

_Just as an elixir ought to do!_

Grabbing a yellow bottle from a box she scrambled down the stage to a bald man in the front.

_Would you like a bottle mister_

_only cost a penny __guaranteed_

The bald man took the bottle and started putting it on while the girl passed some more bottle through the crowd before directing her attention to the man.

_Does Mosquitoes stimulate the growth sir?_

_You can have my oath sir_

_Tis unique_

_Rub a minute_

_Stimulating ain't it?_

_Soon you'll have to thin it_

_once a week!_

The crowd oohed and awed as they passed around bottles, cracking them open and studying the yellow liquid. The bottles had reached where Up and Tess were. The accented man immediately pored it on his head. His wife jumped away from the splash zone.

A pungent odor suddenly wafted under Ups nose. The look on Tesses face proved that it wasn't just him. He turned to the mans wife and asked her about it.

_Pardon me what is that awful stench?_

_(Are we standing near an open trench)_

_Are we standing near an open trench?_

_Pardon me what is that awful stench?_

Some people heard them but it had not yet caught the attention of the whole crowd or the performers. The girl kept on singing.

_Get Mosquitoes miracle elixer_

_anything thats slick sir soon sprouts curls_

_really thick sir_

_soon __you'll have your pick sir_

_of the girls!_

Tess grabbed a bottle from the guy next to her and shoved him away. She sniffed it and gagged. Tess showed it to Up.

_What is this?_

_(What is this)_

_Smells like piss_

_(Smells like ew!"_

_(I wouldn't touch it if I was you dear)_

_This is piss. piss with ink_

Ups and Tesses complaining had attracted the attention of the crowd. They all started to notice the smell. The girl on stage looked nervous. She starting singing really fast, only to be interrupted by Up.

_Get Mosquitoes activate your roots sir!_

_(Keep it off your boots sir. Eats right through)_

Called Up. The girl on stage paled as the crowd musician was laughing hysterically.

_Get Mosquitos miracle elixer!_

_The ladies really love it!_

_(Flies do to!)_

The crowd shrieked with laughter at Tesses comment. If there was any blood left in the girls face it was gone. The curtain behind her swished open and two men, one more feminine looking then the other, in gold embroidered purple silks came out followed by what looked like a man in a gaudy pink dress. The girl scrambled out of their way. The slightly more feminine one started singing in a very angry voice.

_WWWWEEEEEEE!_

_Are Mosquitoes the brothers and barbers_

_The barbers of kings_

_Bonjour and good day_

_I blow you kiss!_

The Mosquito brother started bowing and blowing kisses to the crowd much to the annoyance of his brother, who quickly cut him off.

_And WWWWEEEEEEE!_

_The __famous Mosquitoes would like to know_

_Who has the nerve to say!_

_Our __elixir is piss?_

_Who says this?_

"Ahem"

Everyone turned to the source of the noise. " I do sirs." Up stepped forward. The crowd made a path for him to move to the stage. "I say that you three sirs are frauds. That your so called "Miracle elixir is nothing more than piss with ink and furthermore that I could shave a face with much more dexterity and speed."

Up was met by three hard stares. "Well unfortunately for you good sir." started one brother in a high screech of a voice "But you are kidding yourself." Said the other in a higher voice."

"And i'm a woman." said the sister in a voice deeper than a normal man. This caused a lot of people to shift uncomfortable. They obviously thought she was a cross dressed man too. "Specs! Called one of the brothers. The girl scurried up with her head bowed. "Explain to the crowd the science behind our elixir"

"The Mosquitos Miracle elixir has special properties and hormones that seep into the pores of your skin and shock the follicles into growth" She said, never once looking up

Up simply unsheathed his two razors. "These silver razors cost me twenty pounds each! I wager them that I could shave a cheek smoother than these men. And lady, combined.''

crocodile like smiles spread across the Mosquito brothers face. "Very well. We shall have a contest. I'm Veeto"

"And I'm Neeto! And this is our sister sweetheart! Now what May we call you SIR?" Asked Neeto , emphasizing sir.

"Up" He replied, void of emotion. Up stepped on to the stage. Specs, as she was called quickly set a chair in front of him. For a split second, his blue eyes met her magnified ones. It wasn't for long, cause she scurried away again. Up scanned the crowd. A grin grew across his near emotionless face.

"May the Beadle Junior judge?"

A bored mans head shot up at the mention of his name. "Privilege!" he said a little to loudly, seeing as he was daydreaming he was accepting a award. Feeling the eyes on him he rushed out "...As always... to help my friends, and uh neighbors?" Junior stepped onto the stage. Two volunteers came on and sat in the seats Specs had laid out. "The closest, quickest shave wins." Said Junior, pulling a whistle out of his cleavage. (A/N couldn't resist)

"Krayonder!" barked Veeto.

"Yes sir" said the bored drawl of Krayonder.

"Mood music."

Krayonder started again weaving through the jumble of instruments. Junior blew his whistle starting the contest. Up grabbed a sharpener from a tray Specs had set out and carefully started sharpening his razor. Specs pulled out a sharpener and gave one end to Veeto while Neeto sharpened the razor. Specs winced and sometimes even cried out as the razor was dragged along her knuckles. One of the brothers grabbed a bowl of cream and started whipping it with flourish

_Now, signorini, signori, we mix-a da lather  
But first you gather around -  
Signorini, signori, you looking a man  
Who have had-a da glory to shave-a da Pope!  
"Mister Up-Whoever", I beg-a your pardon You'll probably say it was only a cardinal—NOPE!  
It was-a da POPE_

The three collectively glared at Up, who was still sharpening. Veeto and Neeto both gave expressions of pleasure and Neeto started carefully shaving the volunteer

_To shave-a da face, to cut-a da hair  
Require a grace, require da flair;  
For if-a you slip, you nick da skin,  
You clip-a da chin, you rip-a da lip, a bit  
Beyond-a repair!_

To shave-a da face, or even a part  
Without da smart, require the HEART~~  
Not just-a da FLASH; it take-a PANACHE  
It take-a da passion for da art!

To shave-a da face, to trim-a da beard  
To make-a da BRISTLE, clean like a WHISTLE  
This is from early infancy, the talent give to ME~ by GOD…!

It take-a da skill! It take-a da BRAINS!  
It take-a da WILL, to take-a da PAINS-!  
It take-a da pace, it take-a da  
GRA~~~~~~~~~~~~CE!

"Up wins"

"WWWHHHHAAAAATTTT!" Yelled Sweatheart. While they did the one high note Up had shaved the man so close you couldn't feel stubble if you looked for it. The brothers growled. They put a fake smile on and came up to...Up with Specs following behind.

"Congratulations Signor Up. You are clearly the better barber." They looked ready to vomit.

"The 20 pound" Up held out his hand. Veeto grimly opened a coin purse and placed the coins in his palm. Neeto suddenly whipped around and smacked Spec across the face. She skidded on the stage, her glasses falling off. She reached for them but Veeto kicked her so hard she rolled behind the curtain. Veeto and Neeto disappeared behind the curtain followed by Sweetheart. the sounds of thumping and crashing bottles was only drowned out by Specs screaming. Krayonder picked up his drum and went to the curtain, when he stopped. He knelt down and picked up Specs glasses before going behind the curtain to join in.

Tess appeared next to up with a grim face. "I don't like does guys." she grumbled. "You don't like anyone Tessy." said Up taking her arm in his. The two exited the square when they were stopped by the woman who stood behind them.

"You technique was quite impressive Mr. Up. Do you have a establishment. I would like to recommend you to my husband Todd" She tilted her head to the accented man who was the only one buying the elixirs. Up was about to say something when Tess cut him off.

"He has a barber shop on Fleet street. Above my pie emporium." The woman nodded to Tess and walked off to Todd.

"Fleet street you say?" said a voice behind them. Beadle Junior had crept up on them. "well I'll be sure to visit before the week is out. Miss Lopez" He daft his hat to Tess and walked past, bumping her arm. Tess looked up with a smile at Up and the two linked arms and strode together down the road


	3. Chapter 3

" He said he would come. It's almost the end of the week!"

"End of the week? It's only tuesday!"

Up was reclined in a heavily slashed red leather. He gave another glance towards Tess, who stood at the window. Her usual stoic appearance was betrayed by the swishing of her dark green skirts as she jumped lightly up and down.

"He said he would come. " Said Tess indigently in her thick accent. She turned around sharply with her arms crossed tightly across her chest. Tess marched over to Ups other side and sat on the arm of the chair. "So how are jou liking de chair ese?"she said offhandedly.

"Its, perfect." Up growled deeply, reclining. "Though it will need some... modifications."

"And how long will dat take?" asked Tess, getting up.

"Impatient today Tessy?" asked Up also standing. He put his hands on her shoulders. Tess turned her head slightly. She had dark shadows under her eyes. "I've never killed anyone before. At least not a human." Said Tess. Up tightened his grip on Tess. Tess turned to look at him again.

"I'm excited to do it. She said with a tiny smile.

"Maybe a little too excited darlin'" said Up, bringing her into him with a mocking smile.

_Easy now.  
Hush, love, hush.  
Don't distress yourself,  
What's your rush?  
Keep your thoughts  
Nice and lush.  
Wait_

Up started backing up with a firm grip on the sides of Tesses black corset. he sat down on the leather chair and positioned Tess on his lap. Tess kept an annoyed look on her face. Up was alot softer than she thought, but she didn't push away. Something about his touch was... nice

_Hush, love, hush.  
Think it through.  
Once it bubbles,  
Then what's to do?  
Watch it close.  
Let it brew.  
Wait._

Suddenly it registered that Up had just called Tess "Love". Tess swallowed hard and put her mind on something else. Anything else.

"What about de judge? When do we kill em?" she asked impatiently, trying to stand. Up got up also and spun her around sharply. "Darlin' this is my revenge. If you step above yourself as my... Lets say lieutenant, then i'm afraid I might have ta..." Up slowly nudged Tess in the neck with his thumb. he gave Tess a little push away and turned to the window. Tess inhaled sharply and started to move to Up cautiously, now reminded of the danger he posed

_Slow, love, slow.  
Time's so fast.  
Now goes quickly-  
See, now it's past!  
Soon will come.  
Soon will last.  
Wait_

_Don't you know,  
Silly man,  
Half the fun is to  
Plan the plan?  
All good things come to  
Those who can  
Wait._

Tess touched him lightly on the shoulder before quickly backing away. Up turned to her with a smile. Up went to the chair and sat down. Tess was about to leave when Up slapped his knees. She turned to him in confusion.

"Why don't you come sit on my lap?" asked Up. Tess cocked a eyebrow, but very slowly went to the chair. Up pulled her down and position her comfortably. Her dark hair ruffled his chin slightly as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"It really is a lovely chair"

* * *

Once again, Bug found himself at the large manor in London, but this time he was there with purpose. He had to see her again. He his behind the pillard of the gate as he worked his way to where Februarys window stood.

Suddenly with a deafening creak, the door opened a crack. The short browned haired head of Beadle Junior peaked his way, his pink spectacles perched on top of his head. Bug pressed himself against the stones and prayed to dead god that he would not see him. Junior moved his head from side to side before stepping outside and holding the door open for Judge Pincer to move through. The usual stoic face of the Judge was even more grim this day. He could not hear the words that were exchanged between Junior and Pincer, but soon they departed for the gate.

Bugs heart was in his teeth as Junior unlocked the gate. he would be caught for sure! But by incredibly lucky chance, the Judge and The beadle went in the opposite direction without glancing back. Bug watched as they strolled off together before bolting for where February was.

Up in her room, February sat by her window, squinting hard a a book. She wasn't so good with reading or words, but still struggled through the large ones in a futile attempt to decipher any kind of story. After being quite shaken that day she wanted to take her mind off it. But was certaintly not going to ask _him_ to read to her. Suddenly she heard a whistle. She turned her head and looked around. There was another whistle before she thought to look down. Bug was waving at her.

Her face lit up at the sight of her mysterious lover. She ecstatically waved back. The man blew her a kiss and she nearly melted. She held out a finger to mean "one moment" and went back to find the note she wrote. February fit it through the bars of her window and it fluttered to the ground. Bug lunged to grab it.

**Hey!**

**Resq me pls**

** xoxo February**

It took Bug a moment to decipher the words before realizing she meant "Rescue me please". He gave her a loving look and a thumbs up before putting his hand on his heart. February did the same before Bug took off.

* * *

"My Lord. Do you think your sentence was valid last night?" asked Beadle Junior casually as they strolled to the courthouse.

"What do you mean by that Junior?" Asked Judge Pincer harshly. Despite young Junior being an almost equal in... cunning, he could be quite annoying. But nothing a simple threat to call his father.

"Nothing of course my lord! It's just don't you think the death sentence was warranted?" asked Junior.

"Was the evidence not irrefutable?"

"No but.."

"Guilty is guilty Beadle. Besides the Queen was present. She loves blood."

"But the boy was eight!" exclaimed Junior. Pincer turned to him with a hard look. "Guilty is guilty." The stare that came afterward made Junior shut up. Pincer folded his hands behind his back and they continued on.

"I have news Beadle" said Pincer. "I have decide to ask my beautiful ward February for her hand in marriage."

"Oh wonderful news my lord!" exclaimed Junior, mentally both thanking dead god for the change in subject and crossing February off his possible conquest list.

"Yes but she has rejected my proposal. I have no idea why." said Pincer grimly.

"uh well..." Started Junior.

"I'm sorry?" said Pincer dangerously. Junior swallowed hard. "Well you know women and their sensibilities."

_Excuse me my lord_

_may I request my lord_

_permission my lord _

_to speak._

_Your looking less than your best my lord_

_with powder upon your vest my lord_

_and stubble upon your cheek._

_and women my lord are weak._

Pincer gave a quick glance at himself in a shop window.

"Stubble you say?"

_Don't worry my lord_

_For I know my Lord_

_A barber my Lord_

_Of skill_

_A shave upon your face my lord_

_some Eu'de __cologne to brace my Lord_

_You'll dazzle the girl until_

_She bows to your every will._

Finished Junior, before he could be ostracized.

Pincer folded his hands behind his back again.

"A barber you say...

* * *

Up and Tess were in the same position when Bug came barging in. Up shot up and nearly knocked Tess to the ground.

"Cabron" muttered Tess.

"Mr Up. I,I am in love!" Gasped Bug, trying to gulp air.

"Well that was fast." said Up.

"Yes it was. But she is imprisioned by the Judge. I have to get her out!" gasped Bug. Behind him, Tesses eyes widened. Ups face was straight. "The judge you say?" he said in his usual drawl.

"I don't know what else to do." Said Bug hysterically. "I don't know anyone else but you and , and I need to get her out of there." Bug started pacing around the room wildly. Tess raised an eyebrow at this but Up kept calm. Eventually Bug turned to them. "When I get her out, I'll need to bring her somewhere, just for a hour so I kind find us a carriage to take her away."

"I would be more than happy to Bug." said Up. Bug suddenly threw his arms around Bug. "Your the best!"

"No your the best." He said, easing away from Bug.

"Thank you Up" said Bug as he backed out the door. Up waved "cheerily" as he left in close the door behind him. He turned to Tess who stood frozen in the room. Up didn't know why she was staring at him like that. In the few days he had known her, he has seen her angry, stubborn and indignant, but sometimes for fleeting seconds she looks like she could break apart at any second.

"She's older than me jou know." said Tess. Up stared at her when he got what she was saying. Tess turned to the window sadly before exclaiming. "Meirida what now!"

Up rushed to the window and peered over her shoulder. Below on the street approaching the shop were two similarly dressed men, one more feminine than the other and a woman that very easily could've been a man in a gaudy pink dress. Trailing behind them was a young man with sandy blonde hair and a bruised girl with long blonde hair trailing to her ankles.

"The Mosquito brothers."


End file.
